In which I have no idea what I’m doing.

My best friend and I made a pact this year. We were going to take care of ourselves, mentally and physically. We are going to feel better, be better, be happy. 2017 is “our year”.

We say this every year, for the record.

But this year, it really does feel different (pretty sure I also say that every year too though, so don’t quote me on it if it turns out to be a massive lie). 30 is getting closer every day, and I’m not happy with where I am in life. I spend 99.9% of my time worrying about things I cannot control and probably just as much time making stupid decisions that only end up feeding into that worry. Maybe this will be one of those decisions, who knows. At the end of the day, I’m not happy. What I’ve been doing hasn’t helped, and I need to change.

I mean, I still don’t even know what I want to be when I grow up.

Actually, that’s a lie. I know exactly what I want to be when I grow up. The problem is that I want to be everything. I want to do it all. I want to write. I want to design video games. I want to learn to play the guitar and start a comedy band just because I can. I want to make people laugh. I want to help people. I want to learn. I want to teach. I want to be happy. I come up with ridiculous schemes and ideas and then let myself down because I can’t do it all. I know, there is a large majority of people who will tell me to grow up. I probably should. But that’s not the point.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, this year actually is my year. I am making it happen, because fuck being miserable.

So this is where that leaves us. I have an ever-growing list of things I want to try. I want to grow as a person, be more confident, make new friends, be happy. A sort of bucket list for the year,if you will.

  1. Start a blog. I’ve wanted to for a while, but I had no idea what to actually write about. Mommy blogging? Video games? Mental health stuffs? Absolutely random and all over the place entries that don’t really have anything in common? Past attempts have all devolved into me just reblogging things that I find funny on tumblr. But no more! I doubt anyone will read this, but it still feels like I’m accomplishing something. Even if I only ever get two or three readers at most (hi dad).
  2. Finish a novel. I’ve written 3 full length (and by full length I mean longer than 50k words with a beginning, middle, and end) novels, but have never actually deemed one “finished”. This year, I will write, edit, then edit again, and edit some more, and complete at least 1.
  3. Send at least 1 finished novel to at least 1 agent. Bonus points for multiple agents. Double bonus points if anyone actually likes it. Chocolate chip cookies for all if someone actually wants to work with me. (And I know what you’re thinking…. you suck at writing. Just look at this mess of a blog. Actually… it’s probably just me thinking that, which leads me to my next point.)
  4. Stop telling myself that everything I touch is automatically awful just because it was unfortunate enough to come into contact with me. Yes, some things I do are truly terrible pieces of trash. Everyone has those moments. I want – no, will – learn to overcome those moments and not let them beat me.
  5. Be healthy. As someone with a  weight problem as well as multiple medical conditions that are directly correlated to weight, losing it is a pretty big goal. I’m going to finally do something about it. Again, I find myself with a convenient segue for my next point.
  6. Take care of myself. Need a mental health day every once in a while? Who doesn’t. Had a tough week? Take time to relax, maybe have a small glass of wine and a bubble bath. Stop thinking about what’s to come and stressing out… live for today, and live in the moment. Tomorrow is full of never-ending possibilities. I’m amazed I haven’t completely lost my mind trying to figure out what they all are.
  7. Actually try online gaming. I am afraid of people. I am afraid of people finding out just how bad I am at video games. Eff it all, I want to play games, and I want to play games with people who like playing them as much as I do. Maybe if I get comfortable enough with talking to strangers in-game, I can look at maybe streaming every once in a while, which is also a goal of mine. I doubt anyone would watch, but I think it’d be fun to try!
  8. Make 1 PC game. I’m currently playing around a bit in a program called Construct 2 which allows you to make 2D games (and it’s free which is perfect, because that’s pretty much the extent of my budget). It’s ridiculously fun, and I have wanted to make a game for an equally ridiculous amount of time. I even have a perfect story idea for one that I had issues translating into a novel, if only I can figure out how to execute it.
  9. Join a class. Zumba, pole dancing, pottery, floral arrangements…. anything. I just want something to get me out of the house and socializing. I’m essentially a hermit, the quintessential introvert. I want more friends. I want to be an extrovert. My mom tells me I just need to get out there and do it, but outside is scary.
  10. Actually fold my laundry once it leaves the dryer, instead of leaving it in the basket until it manages to find its way back to the dirty pile. Okay, okay, I know. This is never going to happen. But a girl can dream, right?

If you’ve managed to read through all of this, I applaud you. I cannot stress it enough, I have no idea what I’m doing, and this is very likely the beginning of what will be a long, disjointed blog about nothing of consequence, but I’m having fun doing it. If you want to come along, that’s cool. Not your cup of tea? Also cool. Also tea is delicious, and I want some.

Also I’m really good at ending blogs.

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